We have always had a complicated relationship you and I. In the early days, I wish I understood you better. Some days I wished I was more like you. Other days, I wanted you to just leave.
I’m sorry I did not understand your ways, your methods, your rules. I’m sorry I fought against you, expecting Neiva to conform. It was wrong of me. It’s not your way and so I failed, as you knew I would. You made me feel I was failing. You expected too much from someone who knew nothing about you.
You still never back down, change or compromise. Everything has to be done your way, to the letter.
It felt unfair, maybe it still is.
Yet….. at the same time….. I find you absolutely fascinating.
Now we know you a little better, I am so sorry for treating you so harshly. You have opened our eyes to a world that is just so beautiful.
When all becomes too much for her, you gave her a place to find solitude, a place full of numbers and letters. You gave her an intense obsession with the night sky and therein started a life long love of nature, another place of peace and solitude. In turn, you taught us to slow down and appreciate these things.
You gave her the gift of teaching herself to read. A gift that astounds all that know and love her. Thanks to you we have our beloved Enid, her loyal best friend. Thanks to you she sings Russian nursery rhymes, the alphabet backwards and finds number sequences hilarious. Her memory is phenomenal!
Life with you for her is so easy and, even though it is not easy for me, I’m ok with that. Paul understands you better than I do. I think you and he were childhood friends for a time. You are her biggest protector. She is immune to unkind words, unkind comments and puzzled stares thanks to you. I wish you could protect me from that. I know you can’t, but still it would be nice all the same.
If I could wish anything for you, more than anything else, I want more people to know about you. I wish you weren’t so misunderstood. Knowing your name after all the months of feeling lost was a monumental moment in our lives. I wish you were recognised on your own merits. I feel you are distinguishable enough to earn this. I wish more people would advocate for you. I will do my very best to do that.
Now Neiva is getting older, you are less of an influence.
She now allows me into her world with her. I think she wants you and I to be friends. She now can be dissuaded from doing everything your way although she is still very loyal to you. I know you will always be a part of her life. I’m glad. I would be sad if you disappeared completely.
Thank you for being here.
Your friend always…..
Neiva’s Mummy xxx